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Mom, Interrupted: 'The Dude's Edition' for Father's Day

As we were approaching Father’s Day weekend, I started to pay particularly close attention (while at Disneyland last week) to all the guys in the park and realized you can guess a lot of what’s going on with a fellow by knowing their stage in life. 
Elizabeth Evans

I just flew in from Disneyland, and boy, are my arms tired!

Haha, I make a little joke. Of course I didn’t fly, because The House The Mouse Built is a mere six-hour drive away, and it’s my feet that are killing me here, after approximately 50,000 steps traversing the Magic Kingdom.

A fair amount of any trip to Disneyland is spent waiting for parades to pass, for rides to start, for ice cream to be served, and a great way to make all that time pass like a kidney stone is to watch the people pass by. As we were approaching Father’s Day weekend, I started to pay particularly close attention to all the guys in the park and realized you can guess a lot of what’s going on with a fellow by knowing their stage in life. 

And because I’m an analyst and I think that there is nothing in life that can’t be explained with a table, here is Mom, Interrupted’s Guide to Who You Are Is What You Are At Disney: The Dude’s Edition.

NOTE: View this graph above in photos for a better, complete read!

 

Relationship to:

Stage of Life:

Pre-K 

Fourth Grade

High School Sophomore

Newlywed

Dad

Grandpa

Santa Claus

Doesn’t question the logistics of chimneys and a billion glasses of milk for reindeer every Christmas Eve. He brought Disney tickets last year because he WAS A GOOD BOY!

Kids on the playground arguing against SC’s existence currently dueling with Fourth Grader’s lust for presents for believers. Willing to believe in anyone who shows up with Disney tickets.

Matched Dad’s handwriting to Santa’s five years ago. Here at the park with parents, pretending not to enjoy himself.

This trip is a joint, early Christmas present which everyone will conveniently forget about and keep buying presents for each other. 

Starting to wonder if kids have figured out that Santa’s handwriting looks suspiciously like his own. Trying not to think about credit card balance and wondering whose brilliant idea Disney tickets for Christmas was.

Frequently mistaken for jolly elf. Forgets that he picked up the tab for a huge meal at Goofy’s Kitchen and offers to pay for everyone’s souvenirs.

Haunted Mansion

Mom won’t let him go through Haunted Mansion but Fantasyland rides are filled with boys his age turning into donkeys and blowing up Mr. Toad.

Currently pretending that there is nothing unnerving about the Haunted Mansion. 

Will ditch meeting Chewbacca at the Millenium Falcon for a chance to hold hands during Haunted Mansion with someone he met at the churro cart, but is secretly okay with it if he winds up meeting the Wookie.

New Wife’s bridal veil Minnie Mouse ears are confiscated as a hazard before the ride.

Would have liked to hit Oga’s Cantina for a Fuzzy Tauntaun or Gamorrean Ale but Pre-K was terrified of the droid DJ; predicts the little guy will melt if he sees the disembodied head in Haunted Mansion

LIkes napping during Haunted Mansion ride. Was more interested in Splash Mountain but is shushed by family every time he asks why it’s closed.

Lightsaber

Extendable, preschooler edition; not allowed to use it around baby sister

Wants to be a good Jedi, but really wants a red lightsaber blade.

Would not be caught dead with one in front of a potential date but is still mad that the ‘rents wouldn’t pop for the Build Your Own Lightsaber in Savi’s Workshop at Galaxy’s Edge.

New wife either quietly shuffled his lightsaber into storage a week before the wedding or replaced it with her own on the wall display in the living room; there is no middle ground.  

Cannot find where wife hid his lightsaber after Pre-K almost took out baby sister’s eye during a re-enactment of Rise of Skywalker.

Conspires with High School Sophomore about concealing the purchase of a limited-edition double headed lightsaber from Grandma, who will then hide it from everyone when Pre-K and baby sister come to visit.

Dating

Huh?

One word: cooties

Why can’t we go to Downtown Disney where all the cool kids are?

Officially notices nothing.

Too busy deciding if that diaper is poopy to notice anything else.

Too busy checking out the landscaping and asking the gardeners for the Latin names of plants to notice anything else.

Mother

Trying not to think about what she’s going to do when she catches up with him after ditching Grandpa in Adventureland.

Pretends that she doesn’t exist while keeping her in his vision at all times.

NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS NOT HERE WITH HIS MOTHER but couldn’t have afforded to get in here on his own dime.

Watching all the women with their mothers and wondering if New Wife is going to look like his mother-in-law any time soon.

Wondering if he should have invited Mom to come; she loves pushing the stroller.

She wouldn’t have wanted him to blow all that cash on the limited-edition double headed lightsaber, either.

Churros

Donuts you can eat at night; what’s not to like?

Donut you can pretend is a lightsaber; what’s not to like?

Would like one but does not want to ask Mom for cash in front of new friends.

Were you aware that you can get a maple bacon churro?

Mentally designing churro/strawberry guava dip holder that attaches to a stroller

Brings back six when comes back from the Haunted Mansion churro cart and then offers to get Dole Whip for everyone.

Elizabeth Evans is a local mother, wife, daughter, sister, former stay-at-home mom, former work-outside-the-home mom, former work-at-home mom and a human resources consultant.